Day 19 (or: I’d rather be happy than right)

Man, am I ever self-involved. I’ve spent a whole week being utterly wrapped up in my own horse-pucky, and it’s beginning to wear on me. And if it’s wearing on me, it must really be wearing on all six of my followers (Hi, Jessamyn!). I didn’t even pull off an eco-Sabbath today. Laundry. And it was frosty this morning, so the heaters went on. And I baked some scones. Blahblahblahmememelamelamelame.

But the day started with a bang at 6:30 when I should have been organizing to get the boy and me out the door for the boy's soccer game in Poulsbo at 8:30 am. Not. Couldn’t find the uniform, didn’t have the right shoes, no chance of getting any gas, let alone feeding ourselves. In other words: I’m The Worlds Worst Mom. No. Don’t argue with me. I am.

Or at least I was until 3:00 this afternoon.

Remember yesterday when I said that I’d address the “taking it out on everybody” tendency? Well I’m gonna. And it all started with a lovely conversation with a besty this afternoon, where I described my life philosophy of two years ago when I spent 8 blissful months of loving kindness which was facilitated by the phrase: “I’d rather be happy than right.” Pretty simple sounding, right? That’s because it is. Do you find yourself saying things like: “I should fold the laundry right now.” Or: “I really should have folded the laundry yesterday, what a slacker. I’d better fold it now” Or: “I’m the worst mom in the world. I didn't fold the stinking laundry and the cat's now pee-ed in it and NOW I have to wash the whole load over again. Twice (to get the pee out). Could I BE any more lame?” Well…now imagine yourself responding in a soothing voice: “I’d rather be happy right now.” Or: “I’d rather have loving relationships than fold this laundry.”

Now, when I asked the above questions, I expected you to be there with me, experiencing those thoughts. Did you? Where you?  Could you feel the laundry?  Did you smell the pee (EEeeew).   And when you told yourself you’d rather be happy, did your breath come a little easier? Did your fists unclench? Mine did. And does.  And do.

I’ve been a pretty unbearable poop this week. Yesterday I actually told my lovely little boy to “go to hell” (he deserved it, really, but I probably could have said something more politic). He responded by telling me that it was very rude and he’d prefer that I not say that to him. And then he went on to say: “How would you like it if I said *#$k you, you piece of s*#%! I hate you! You’re an a#@h***!…” The dot dot dot there actually turned into a 10-minute skit, which was quite hilarious and included a rendition of what his ghost might say to me if he died and more bad language than I’d care to discuss. My boy. Turning adversity into levity. I couldn’t be more proud! A proud poop.

Yeah, I’ve been sucking as a human being, and I’m going to stop now. Day 19 of One Thousand Days I declare that “I Would Rather Be Happy Than Right (Insert any “should” or logical linear process that gets you mucked up, or just any bad feeling, into that “Right” slot).” There are probably a lot of euphemisms and platitudes that could work here, but the idea is that I will let go of the “shoulds” and the right thinking and will just simply be. And be happy.

Ironically, the most difficult things that I’ve undertaken so far in One Thousand Days have definitely been the personal ones: Giving up meat, dairy and sugar; giving up cigarettes; letting go of the “shoulds.” These things are a constant battle. Baking cookies only takes about an hour. Hmmmm. If nothing else keeps me from being self-involved, maybe this will.  Self involvement is labor intensive and time consuming.

Coming tomorrow: I promised Kiera I’d come clean about the Bad Relationship. And I pledge to actually do something good for someone else. Something tangibly good. I don’t know about you, but I’m really getting tired of all my self-involved horse pucky.  Now you'll have to excuse me.  I need to fold the laundry.

19 down, 981 to go.